The Spiral

I've seen a lot of posts about Anthony Bourdain today. Much of it has been stories about his loving spirit, his generosity, his kind nature; qualities that are the hallmark of the best among us and qualities that make his suicide all the more confusing and heartbreaking. I read similar stories about designer Kate Spade after her death was reported just two days ago. Neither of them showed any signs of a problem according to their loved ones, so there was no opportunity to prevent such an awful thing from happening. It's been a heavy week on that front, on top of everything else going on in the world, which... yeah.

A lot of social media posts and articles about these two individuals have included the phone number to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, and encouragement for people experiencing depression to reach out and seek help, to remember that they're not alone, to talk about it.

OK. Well. Depression doesn't really work like that, at least not for me. I can't reach out for shit when I'm feeling depressed. You think I want to tell someone I love about the worst thoughts I have? Fuck that. But since this seems to be the moment to finally talk about it, I guess I'm gonna talk about it. (Apparently telling everyone I love about my worst thoughts is somehow a better option than individually. Good gods, Zach...)

OK, so. I have depression, and It Sucks. I've lived with it since I was at least 10 years old, probably longer than that, but at least since then. I'm 32 now (let's keep that between us) so it's been 22 years. And it is exhausting. Your brain's Wi-Fi network is named Sadness Doesn't Fucking Describe It and you can't disconnect no matter how many times you take a nap to turn your heart's router off and on again to reboot.

My depression has had a major effect on my life. It's kept me in bed before school and work, costing me study time and jobs. It's stopped me from calling friends and family, attending birthday parties and celebrations, getting to know new cities and new people. It's held me back from publishing blog posts, creating videos, attending networking events, asking for interviews, writing scripts, and developing my projects.

My depression is a voice that tells me I'm not wanted, that I'm not liked or loved, and that nobody cares about me. It says I have no talent, that no one will ever want to work with me because anything I create is going to be awful, so it's better to give it up before I even begin. It reminds me that my mother died a month shy of my 23rd birthday and of all the ripple effects that came with that for me and my siblings. It says I'm guilty of ruining lives because one day my teenage self had to make an adult decision which broke apart a family, and it can never be fixed because one of them has passed away and the other three appear to be lost to each other, probably forever.

I know it's not true that I'm guilty, but my depression gives no fucks and takes control to make me feel like I AM guilty, and that's how I've felt for the last 18 years. But even though my brain KNOWS that I am NOT guilty, my heart has yet to catch up. I don't know if it ever will. I do know that when all of this bullshit I just described combines, it sends me deep into The Spiral to the point that I understand why suicide seems like the best option to people sometimes.

Because suicide DOES seem like the best option to ME sometimes.

I've considered it more times than I'd care to admit and more recently than I'd care to admit. The only things that have ever stopped me were knowing the effect it would have on my family, both blood and chosen, and knowing that it was a temporary feeling caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain which would eventually pass, because science. Even when I'm in The Spiral, I can still hold on to a semblance of rationality and be cognizant that there's science involved here. Its fucking hard though.

So far, that's been enough.

Sometimes I worry that one day, it won't be.

Because my depression and The Spiral could give a fuck about my family and science and rationality, and there have been times when it's been reeeeeally hard to hold on. I mean... really. really. hard.

Living life for other people doesn't feel like living, it feels like waiting for death. When that realization starts to take hold, it starts to feel like you should just end the wait. I can only imagine that's how Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain felt. I can also understand why suicides increase after this kind of news because while my heart breaks that they never got what they needed to fight their depression, I also long for the kind of relief that only suicide seems to offer, and I can see how someone stuck in The Spiral would read these headlines and want peace themselves. I get it.

It's embarrassing to reveal all of this. I've had incredible things happen to me in the past few years and experiencing depression through all of it makes no sense. That's how depression works though. At least, that's how my depression works. It's gotten better over time, but the struggle is real. Lots of demons here, folks. The stuff I listed isn't even the tip of the iceberg for everything that happens when depression takes control. There's a fuckton more.

I don't really know what to say next. Oh, wait, I do. If you feel inclined to suggest coping mechanisms, I appreciate the sentiment but please, please, just don't. I know that I need to get therapy and some kind of medication to straighten myself out (haha, happy Pride), I'm just not capable of that yet because capitalism and non-existent cost-of-living wages. Please hold off on advocating for those solutions because I am already aware of them and I want them, I just can't get them right now. I am always open to receiving DMs, text messages and phone calls if anyone wants to offer friend therapy in lieu of a licensed psychologist.

Talk soon, yeah? Cool. <3

(I have never been so scared to hit Post.)

Sorting Pieces: A Short Story

How is it already January 6th? Really? The first week of the year is ending already? Damn.

I haven't forgotten about the blog, despite my lack of entries this week. I just don't have anything in particular to say quite yet. I've got a list of topics ranging from the election to Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, passive racism in the workplace and the possibility of a new Will & Grace, to say nothing of my other obsessions like Steven Universe and the works of Elizabeth Gilbert and Eckhart Tolle. I've internalized the long-form of my opinion for most of my interests and reserved most judgments for short outbursts on social media, but 140 characters aren't enough to get certain points across. I just have way too much to say, really.

Ironically it's the need for a bigger platform of expression that's creating yet another unexpected and contradictory challenge: figuring out my writing process. It's really easy to see something on social media and respond immediately, sending your 140-charactered opinion out into the ether and using plenty of emojis to demonstrate your point. (I know I'm not just speaking for myself here; I see you, Twitter.) It's another thing entirely to sort the pieces of preparation that are required for the moment that inspiration strikes, two factors of the equation which rarely meet at the same time with me for whatever reason. 

Sometimes I'll start thinking about something while I'm driving and the words for a blog post will just come out of nowhere like those motorcycles riding up between lanes on the freeway, but there's nothing I can do about it because I'm driving, so I'll try to remember them for "later." Or I'll be watching a show or film and notice something, and make a mental note to write about it "later." Unfortunately "later" arrives but the words skip the party like assholes and I'm left with a mountain of frustration and empty bags of potato chips and Oreos.

Normally I'd be giving myself a really hard time about not writing every day, but I'm determined to let that habit go and concentrate on the work. Sometimes that work is just sitting down at a keyboard and letting whatever wants to come forward, come forward. And as the work comes forward, I move forward, and by the time these two things finally meet, I'll have the pieces sorted and I'll be ready. That's the goal, anyway.

Day 2: Rise of the Block

I really have no motivation to write in this blog tonight because today drained me to within an inch of my sanity (how I wish I was kidding). But I have the desire to write and I made a commitment to attempt to write in this thing every day, and I can't very well give up on the second fucking day because that would be USDA-approved Grade A Bullshit (if the USDA still exists, pending the incoming presidential administration). So I'm going forward and keeping up with my commitment, difficult as it is.

That was fun. See you tomorrow.

In the Beginning

I've decided to attempt daily blog posts as one of my goals for 2017. The main intention of these posts is to actually make good on the title I gave it: exploring entertainment. I'm pretty sure that I'll veer off onto other topics at times, but I'll cross those bridges when I come to them, if I come to them (there's no "if" about it really). Now, I said 'daily' a moment ago, but that's dependant on having compelling topics to write about, so who knows how things will turn out as time goes by. Regardless, this is the first entry, so I've got to start somewhere. To kick this party off I'm going to share my excitement about an upcoming event, since this blog is part of my preparation for things to come.

In the final weeks of 2016, Shonda Rhimes announced that she is teaching a Masterclass on Writing for Television in 2017  (I'm fairly vocal of my adoration for her work on social media, but as I've been lacking in updating this blog on a regular basis, you'd never know it if this page is your lone source for learning more about my creative sensibilities.) When I first saw the announcement I was... well, exhilarated; she has established herself as a master storyteller with incredible business acumen whose career is certainly worthy of study, and she is certainly on the list of people I'd love to learn from, so the potential here was clear. But I hesitated because of the damned enrollment fee, which is truly idiotic when you count the considerable value of the materials included with the class. And come on, this is Shonda Rhimes here, so why the hell was I delaying this? 

The Clock Won Again Today

The clock won again today.

I sat there at that desk again, watching the minutes slip by and feeling myself fill with hate for the job and the meaningless monotony of saying and doing the same thing over and over again, day after week after month. (Good God, or god, whichever one is dialed in right now, have I really worked here a year?) I hate myself for falling back into the call center trap after swearing and promising myself that I'd never do it again once I started college, a bitterness followed by this horrible seizing outrage that I'm sacrificing my happiness doing something I despise instead of taking a risk for what I love and honoring the whole reason I moved to California in the first place. I'm a creator at heart and the most creative thing I get to do at my job is add colors to my schedule once a month. What kind of shit is that?!

Once Upon A Potter - a theory about Emma Swan, Merlin, and the Dark Swan curse

 

Image courtesy ABC Studios

We all know the story: an ordinary orphan (the hero) is told by a stranger that they have an extraordinary destiny in another land, a land of magic and wonder, a land that needs saving from the forces of evil. Not only does this magical realm need saving from darkness, but the fight against that darkness is the reason why the hero became an orphan in the first place. As with every hero's journey, the orphan refuses to believe or accept their destiny, but eventually they embrace magic and defeat the darkness by having Voldemort shoot himself in the face with his own spell.

Wait, are we talking about Harry Potter or Once Upon A Time here? Well, in the case of Merlin and the Dark Swan, it's both. 

As the Dark Swan storyline has progressed, her behavior has been more and more confusing, and we've found ourselves asking, "Why did Emma hurt Henry? Why did she erase everyone's memories? And whose heart did she use to cast the curse?" That last question is the one which will explain everything. After all, you have to crush the heart of the thing you love most to cast such a curse, and show creators Eddy Kitsis and Adam Horowitz have confirmed that Emma killed someone in order to do it. And yet Henry and Hook, the two most likely candidates, are still alive. (And would she really crush Henry's heart anyway? Hell no!) Her parents are still alive. Emma herself is still alive. So what's going on here? Who died?

At this point, all we have to go off is that it's someone who was alive in Camelot but has been missing from Storybrooke. So far, the only candidate is Merlin. And not only is Merlin dead, but he asked Emma to kill him and go all Dark Swan on everyone in order to keep their secret plan in motion. (This is where the Harry Potter thing comes into play and I explain what I'm talking about.)

Image courtesy ABC Studios

We know from the press release and promo for "Nimue" that Emma and Merlin are going on a quest and that Emma comes face to face with the same Dark One who imprisoned Merlin as a tree.  (Some people believe this person is named Vortigan based off the episode credits and because the actor who played Vortigan said he was the Dark One. I think this is just a red herring to throw us off the trail.) The first Dark One was Nimue, Emma is going to summon her, and whatever happens in that meeting is what sets Merlin and Emma's plans into motion. Merlin will realize that Emma is going to have to play evil in order to reunite Excalibur and defeat the darkness. (Said another way, Dumbledore will realize that Snape is going to have to play evil in order to defeat Voldemort.) And so Emma will kill Merlin as a way of proving herself to the darkness, pretending she wants to reunite Excalibur to destroy light magic, but in reality she's doing all of this to destroy the darkness. 

Eventually Emma's true intentions will come to light, Nimue/the darkness will be very angry, and in its attempt to kill Emma it will misunderstand the nature of her magic because true evil cannot understand true love... just like Voldemort.. And, just like Voldemort, the darkness will end up shooting itself in the face with its own spell.

Image courtesy ABC Studios

But how could Emma use Merlin's heart to cast the curse if you have to use the heart of the thing you love most in order to do it? Well, thanks to Pan''s use of Felix in season 3, we know that the thing you love most doesn't have to be romantic love. It can also mean friendship, and loyalty. Merlin will be Emma's strongest compatriot, supporting her because of his unwavering belief that she is the one who will defeat the darkness.

If you have doubts about this, well, that's okay. I don't expect everyone to agree with my theory. But let's not forget that young Emma made several Harry Potter references during the Frozen storyline. Consider also that Emma and Harry Potter share striking similarities, as summed up in my intro paragraph. And another thing: when Dopey went beyond the town line, he turned into a tree, just like Merlin. This isn't a coincidence, it happened because Merlin's heart was used to cast the curse.

How this will lead to the journey to the Underworld, I don't know, and I'm not even sure that it will play out the same way. But what I am sure of is that Emma will be the Woman Who Lived, freed from the darkness without having to die to be rid of it.

The Reawakening of Star Wars

Star Wars: The Force Awakens banner courtesy Walt Disney Studios

As most of the galaxy has heard, there is a new Star Wars film coming out in two months, and you'd have to be living under a rock (or on Tatooine) to be unaware that the final trailer premiered yesterday. The trailer is filled with throwbacks to the previous films, which I will highlight below, and while it defines the story a bit more, it still leaves much of this new chapter shrouded in mystery. However, it answers more questions than it would appear on the surface. **Warning: slight spoilers in this article**

Let us review.

What was Old is New Again

The callbacks to previous films begin after the Lucasfilm emblem, as the First Order assembles on an icy world reminiscent of Hoth from The Empire Srikes Back, When we see the new masked villain Kylo Ren (Adam Driver), he is speaking to the partially-melted helmet of Darth Vader, determined to "finish what [he] started." This is immediately followed by a shot of Kylo putting his hand to the face of a screaming Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac), a scene not unlike Vader's torture of Han Solo in Episode V. Dameron's screaming fades to a shot of a huge explosion ripping through a forest, perhaps a metaphor of the agony Dameron experiences at the hands of Ren. (And perhaps an indicator of something more.) As the Millennium Falcon evades a TIE fighter attack on Jakku, Han and Leia's love theme, first heard in Empire, blares loudly, and the ships drop into a ravine similar to the chase through the asteroid belt in the same movie.

Top: Asteroid chase from "The Empire Strikes Back"; Bottom: Ravine chase from "The Force Awakens"

The trailer continues, showing Kylo Ren with his lightsaber standing among a squadron of stormtroopers in the rain, bringing to mind the fight between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jango Fett from Attack of the Clones. X-wings set their S-foils in attack formation before they engage TIE fighters in battle above a jungle planet which looks very much like Yavin 4. There is even a shot of Poe Dameron wearing a Rebellion-style fighter uniform greeting Finn on the same planet, underlining this throwback to the battle against the Death Star in A New Hope. As shots of this battle appear, we also see Han leading Rey, Finn and BB-8 to a temple with multi-colored banners hanging above the entrance, a temple so similar to the Massassi structure of Yavin 4 that it cannot be coincidence. (We also see a shot of Han, Chewbacca and Finn with their hands behind their heads in front of a destroyed building which could be the same temple. We have seen Han in this pose before: on Endor in Return of the Jedi.) 

Top: the Endor moon from "Return of the Jedi"; Bottom: Unknown planet, "The Force Awakens"

We get another throwback to Hoth as Poe Dameron leads an X-wing battle on the aforementioned ice planet, Captain Phasma (Gwendolyn Christie) and stormtroopers walk through a fiery wreckage field (Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, we barely knew ye) and a First Order shuttle lands in the same environment as embers fly through the air (hello Mustafar). Kylo Ren ignites his saber and cuts across the screen before he throws his hand towards the camera with fire behind him: perhaps this is the First Order's first order of business in the new film. Rey is crying in one snowy/ashy scene, then firing a pistol in another (on the same jungle planet we keep seeing). And as the Resistance troops get to their fighters on the jungle planet, Han embraces a saddened Leia (Carrie Fisher) before we see Finn ignite Luke's original blue lightsaber in a snow-covered forest. His opponent, Kylo Ren, also fires up his unique cross-guarded blade, and if you look closely you will notice Kylo's hair is flying loose in the wind. His mask is apparently gone, his true identity is revealed, and his motivations with it.

Finn and Kylo Ren engage in battle, "The Force Awakens"

The trailer ends, and as the film's title appears on the screen, there is an immediate realization: we still have not seen Luke Skywalker.

Where is Luke?

The question of Luke's whereabouts may be the biggest mystery of the new film. While the specifics of his activities are still unknown and unlikely to be revealed until the film opens, there has been enough information released through interviews and in this trailer that we can make a good guess. In fact, it's right there at the start of the trailer.

It begins with Rey (Daisy Ridley) climbing her way through an abandoned Star Destroyer on the planet Jakku. Her goggles are made from an Imperial Stormtrooper's helmet, and she rappels from the ceiling of a former landing bay, its large opening reminiscent of that which the Millennium Falcon and Emperor Palpatine's shuttle entered in A New Hope and Return of the Jedi, respectively. A woman's voiceover asks, "Who are you?" As Rey and her droid BB-8 make their way through the desert, she answers: "I'm no one."

Top: Daisy Ridley in "The Force Awakens"; Bottom: Mark Hamill in "A New Hope"

Both the environment and her answer immediately bring the Luke Skywalker from A New Hope to mind: a young man believing himself to be nothing more than the nephew of moisture farmers on a wasteland planet; a "no one," with only his droids to keep him company. As Rey watches a ship depart her planet, it recalls Luke's desire to travel off-world and become something more, something great. Rey would appear to be the new hope for this trilogy, fulfilling Luke's role in Episode IV, yet the man who she may be modeled after remains absent.

The lack of Luke in the trailers and the poster is very intriguing, yet appropriate. In one of the trailer's most engaging moments, former non-believer Han Solo tells Rey and Finn (John Boyega) that "the stories are true, all of them": the Dark Side and the Jedi are real. The Rebellion against the Empire and the events of the Original Trilogy have seemingly become nothing more than galactic legend, similar to how the events of the Prequel Trilogy were simply myth to the young hero of A New Hope. It also stands to reason that the Force itself has become even more distanced from the current generation than it was in the days of the Rebellion. It is therefore appropriate that the man at the center of the Rebellion, and the last known Jedi, has been missing from what we've seen thus far. But there is, perhaps, an answer: it has been reported that JJ Abrams agreed to direct The Force Awakens only after producer Kathleen Kennedy asked him, "Who is Luke Skywalker?" Until now, that question has had a fairly straightforward answer, but with this new scene and dialogue, we must approach it with a different point of view.

To the audience, Luke Skywalker is the hero of the Original Trilogy, the son of Darth Vader and the man who stopped the Emperor and saved the galaxy. One would think the man would be legendary thanks to his accomplishments and place in galactic history. But if the struggle against the Empire is now, itself, a legend, with the truth known to very few, then mention of the galaxy's savior would be even more limited. Kennedy's question, therefore, speaks to the state of mind of the galaxy far, far away and lays the foundation for the new trilogy: no one knows who Luke Skywalker is or what he has done. Rather than becoming legendary, Luke has all but vanished from the universe... much like an old general from the Clone Wars living as a hermit in the Outer Rim. After all, a Jedi craves neither adventure nor excitement. But where is he now, and what has he been doing?

Mysteries of the Force

There is much we still do not know about the galaxy far, far away, beyond the mystery of Luke Skywalker: Who is Kylo Ren? How did he learn the ways of the Dark Side? Why does he have Vader's helmet and why does he want to finish what was started? Is he related to a character we know? (My money is betting that he's the son of Han and Leia.) Who is in charge of the galaxy now, and what government took over from the Empire? Is Rey a Skywalker, a Solo, or neither? Why is she crying in that snowy/ashy scene? And why does it look like there's a furry body in front of her? (That fur does look familiar...) How does Finn end up with Luke's (and Anakin's) lightsaber? How does Max Von Sydow's as-yet-unrevealed character fit into all this? What's up with the droids? Is the woman narrating the trailer Maz Kanata, played by Lupita Nyong'o?

And what's the deal with the explosion in the forest I mentioned earlier?

As for that, I believe I know. Take a look at this section of the poster again:

Behind our heroes appears to be a variant on the familiar Death Star. According to StarWars.com, there is something in the galaxy called Starkiller Base which is described as "an ice planet converted into a stronghold of the First Order and armed with a fiercely destructive new weapon capable of destroying entire star systems."

Is there an ice planet in The Force Awakens? Well...

As previously mentioned, the parallels between the jungle planet of The Force Awakens and A New Hope are both numerous and obvious, and a third-act attack by the First Order emphasizes those similarities. But what if this new film offers a different outcome? What if the explosion in the jungle occurs because this weaponized ice planet opens fire? It would establish the  First Order as a credible threat to the galaxy and offer a new take on a familiar tale. (Fun fact: Anakin and Luke's family name was originally Starkiller.)

One last thing to consider is the title itself: The Force Awakens. What could that mean? Well, if the Force has been relegated to myth, and there aren't Jedi or Sith using it, then at some point the Force is going to say, "Enough is enough," and start awakening in people and creatures all over the galaxy, including in Rey and Finn (how else could he survive the TIE fighter crash?) It may even cause a disturbance within Luke and serve as the catalyst for bringing him out of hiding.

Time will tell if I'm right, but one thing that's clear is that this movie contains classic elements from Episode IV, V and VI which will be familiar yet different to the audience. How will it all fit together? The answers will be revealed when The Force Awakens on December 18.

All photos belong to Lucasfilm and The Walt Disney Studios. No copyright infringement intended.